The philosophy of The NESS Counseling Center is that it is the job of the parent, rather than the child, to provide the leadership role in the family.

At The NESS Center, we help the parent attain clarity and consistency in being a positive role model, thereby enabling the parent to act with confidence when they encounter the many challenges of raising children.

Reactive parents wait until their children push them to their limits, then they respond. Often these parents react with frustration, anger and random discipline. As one mother put it, "the screech and hit" school of parenting.

But the basic purpose of parenting has not changed - to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the society in which they live.

Almost all children will be difficult or demanding at times, especially toddlers. Challenging or disruptive behavior are those which persist or become so severe that they cause major problems for families or communities.

Excessive disruptive or aggressive behavior at any age should be taken seriously. It should not be dismissed as a “phase” or something they will “grow out of”. Such behavior in children and adolescents may begin with frequent loss of temper, irritability, impulsive behavior, or becoming easily frustrated.

When a parent or other adult in frequent contact with the child is concerned, a comprehensive assessment from a child and adolescent mental health professional should be arranged. They can assist parents to manage their child’s behavior in positive ways.

I love my children, but being a parent can be so hard!

Being a parent can be a joy, but it's also a tough job. No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes. Even loving parents sometimes do things they don't mean to do, like slap a child or call a child a bad name. But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of abuse doesn't start.

I get so frustrated sometimes. Is this normal?

Yes. All parents get frustrated. Children take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your life, such as worries about your job, your bills or your relationships, or problems with alcohol or drugs. To be a good parent, you have to take care of yourself. That means getting help for your problems.

What can I do when I feel frustrated?

Take a break. Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. For example, have your partner stay with the children so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you. Maybe they could watch your child while you go out.

I sometimes lose my temper. Does that mean I'm a bad parent?

No. Many parents lose their temper with their children. It's OK to feel angry, but it's not OK to take it out on your children. When you're really angry, take a break. For example, take your children for a walk or call a friend to come help you. If you feel angry with your child almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help. You might talk to your family doctor. There are groups that can help parents, too. One group is listed at the end of this handout.

Is it OK to spank my child?

Spanking isn't the best way to discipline children. The goal of discipline is to teach children self-control. Spanking just teaches children to stop doing something out of fear. There are better ways to discipline children.

One good way for infants and toddlers is called "redirecting." When you redirect a child, you replace an unwanted (bad) behavior with an acceptable (good) behavior. For example, if throwing a ball inside the house isn't allowed, take your child outside to throw the ball.

With older children, try to get them to see the consequences of their actions and to take responsibility for them. For example, you can explain to your son that everyone had to wait for dinner because he didn't set the table when he was supposed to. Explain that he has to wash the dishes after dinner because he didn't set the table before dinner.

How can I be a good parent?

There's not just one right way to raise children. And there's no such thing as a perfect parent--or a perfect child. But here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy:

• Show your love. Every day, tell your children: "I love you. You're special to me." Give lots of hugs and kisses.

• Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they're important and that you're interested in what they have to say.

• Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you've taken steps to protect them.

• Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.

• Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you're proud of them.

• Criticize the behavior, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don't say, "You were bad." Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: "Running into the street without looking isn't safe." Then tell the child what to do instead: "First, look both ways for cars."

• Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby sitters and relatives know, and follow, your family rules.

• Spend time with your children. Do things together, like reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually their way of getting your attention.

1. Set limits. Remember you are the Adult! Your teenager has plenty of friends but need a parent. Your job is to provide guidance and support.
2. Talk to other parents. Get to know the parents of your teen’s friends.
3. Ask questions. Ask your teen, their friends, other parents, ask the teachers and the counselor. Ask specific questions as much as possible.
4. Communicate your expectations in a clear and decisive manner. Let your teen know what you expect.
5. Model behavior that you want them to imitate - tell the truth, follow the rules, etc.
6. Respect your teenager. Speak as you would like to be spoken to.
7. Encourage your teenager. Allow them to try and support them when they fail.
8. Enjoy your teenager. Take a walk, see a movie, or go to dinner together. In a few short years they will be living on their own and the opportunity will be gone.
9. Listen to your teenager. Close your mouth and open your ears. Maybe they are trying to tell you something.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR TEENAGER:

   10. LOVE them. Love them when they score the winning goal and when they flunk the Chemistry test. Most of all, love them when they are the least lovable.

They may look like adults and they may dress like adults but they are not adults. They still need your time, attention, and most of all, your love. Shower them with love and watch them grow!

• Set a good example. "Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't cut it with teens. Adolescents can understand that some things appropriate for adults are not acceptable for teens. But keep that distinction sharp. Do not allow children to mix cocktails, bring you a beer or sip from your wine glass.

• Emphasize that actions have consequences. Talk about why values such as honesty, self-reliance and responsibility are important.

• Make your opinions known. Adolescents are less likely to use alcohol or drugs if they know their parents disapprove of teens using those substances. And start your talks early. Average age for first use of alcohol is about 12.

• Set firm but reasonable rules. Tell your child what behavior is expected. Explain the reasons for your rules and discuss the consequences for breaking them.

• Be consistent. Make it clear to your child that a no-alcohol rule remains in effect at all times - in your home, in a friend's home, at a party, anywhere.

• Get to know your child's friends.

• Get to know the parents of your child's friends. Have everyone agree to forbid each other's children from consuming alcohol or drugs in their homes and pledge to notify each other if one of you becomes aware of a child who violates the pact.

• Call parents whose homes have been known for parties. Make sure no alcohol or drugs will be tolerated. Don't be afraid to check out a party for yourself.

• Be straightforward. Tell your child that you know what happens among many teens, maybe even their friends, and discuss why your child should not participate in those activities. Point out the dangers of alcohol use.

• Give your child a way out. Discuss in advance how to contact you or another adult to get a ride home if alcohol or drugs are being used at a party.

• Don't be naive. Watch for signs of abuse like dropping grades, a sudden change in friends or missing money. If you sense a problem, seek help.